The Truth About My Past "Schizophrenia" (Part Two)Why did I behave, think and express myself the way I did--often irrationally and so fruitlessly--throughout the last 36 years? And why was there a point of reference in the year 1972? What actually did take place in my life in that year?
I want to establish what certain events did occur to me during that year and subsequently. I'm not interested, as biased postmodern officials of the PAP Government would be, in 'proving' to the public that these certain events meant what prejudiced official representatives of the PAP Government wanted them to mean--in other words, in support of, or favouring, their loaded interpretations of those events!
What were those past attempts, based on my remembrances or memories, by the intelligence and security personnel of the PAP Government, to manufacture and concoct so-called recorded "evidences" (of incidents, escapades and happenings in the course of the last 36 years of my life) that would seem, yes!, to 'prove' my alleged "unsound" or "schizophrenic" mind, and, yes!, to discredit me as a man, human being, and citizen with long-held moral and political principles, convictions, beliefs, ideals, and values?--and, yes, finally, to nullify any cherished ambition and aspiration of mine to be a serious published writer (of quality books and essays) with honest motives and intentions?
Why would the PAP Government, since 1972, want to treat me--yes, to regard me, officially or otherwise--as a spy working covertly or overtly, for the PAP Government? What were its motives, its intentions--in manipulating and turning me into such as unproductive and inefficient spy--in those planned different roles, capacities, guises and ways adopted or undertaken, over the past 36 years, by an aspiring and single-minded writer like me?
I'm trying to reconstruct, as accurately and as completely as possible, the key momemts of my last 36 years in my mind now--probably not in the exact sequences in which they have occurred--and then using such a reconstructed picture or understanding, to provide a definitive selection of such events in my life (which I would eventually reveal in future essays of mine but which I would now use, as the basis of my present attempt to give to the public a rational--in other words, a questioning and probing--account of my life) as a so-called "spy", writer, lover and dissident!
This essay is by an oppositionist--one who rejects postmodernism--like me! And I will not entertain the public by telling stories or interpreting events in a way that contains so much ambiguities, contradictions, inconsistencies and illogicalities. I'm going to give the public a conventional or traditional historical account of my life. It will be based on a self-chosen series of aesthetic and moral choices. It is not going to give readers a multiplicity of viewpoints or interpretations, which the biased PAP Government will hold and interweave into a number of different and conflicting narratives.
I want now to reveal the multiplicity of
VOICES purporting to represent the official Party, which has been maintaining lines and tricks of communication with those citizens they have focussed their attention on (from their enclosed base of operation up in the Top Secret location in Singapore)--and concentrating their efforts and energy, second-by-second, minute-by-minute, day-by-day, in their close control and surveillance of such (knowing and unknowing) citizens by telling bizarre stories, sometimes as raving lunatics, sometimes as vulgar, cruel and unmannerly critics, and sometimes in a cunningly and sexually tempting manner!, in their feverish and nightmarish work as official postmodernists, for such a long time now, yes, from mid 20th century to the present moment, early in the 21st century!
And who were -- and still are (!) -- these
VOICES? They are from the following (both male and female) members of The Special Top Secret Project (under the Project Director, Military Security Department, MINDEF) a covert operation known to the CORE GROUP of leading power-players in the PEOPLE'S ACTION PARTY, namely: Tan Hong Huat, Ang, David Ong, Phyllis Balakrishnan, Melinda, Nancy, Wendy, Ms Oh, Ms Lum, Ms Heng, Catherine, Irene Fong, (and a host of other masturbating pricks and cunts, unknown to me, yet!).
But for how long can they sustain such "imprisonment" of me--and of each and every one of the other controlled (especially unknowingly) citizens? Till each and every one of them die?
This is my advice to these Party officers or officials: Improve your mind! Cultivate a taste for fine reading! There are certain qualities in a man's being that money and other temptations cannot buy. You know you can't win by reasoned arguments and persuasion. So you people used, instead, threats, force or other cunning (especially linguistic) trickeries in your long-distance communications with us -- the victims of governmental surveillance and control -- to make your points or to achieve your goals. Why? Are you so insecure, so weak, and so deficient?
As often-disrespectful voices from the ministries, you are simply not respecting human rights!
You're abusing your ministerial powers and privileges! If you Party representatives, fucking bastards!, force me into displaying bizarre and purposeless behaviour, don't complain later that I disrespect you! Don't try to dirty, corrupt or contaminate my world--or I'll continue to resist you (the "people" or government of Singapore?) with all my resources -- especially intellectual -- and with all my potency, as a human being, man citizen and writer! Surely, you can't help me--assuming that THAT is indeed your aim! no? --to live a good, productive and satisfying life--by precisely interfering with my life!?
I have rejected -- not completely though --postmodernism and unthinking subordination to those who are out to reduce me to a mere abject subject -- without any compelling individuality of my own! I'd rather be, and die, like a poor man -- if I can't compell you, Party officers and officials, to respect me, on my own conditions and terms !
I'll never give up fighting against the Party and insisting on asserting my rights as a man, human being, citizen and writer! I want to have a say in running and leading my own life. Is that too much to ask for in a democratic society?
Are the Party officers' and officials' motives (and intentions) beyond reproach? Why must I be controlled and regarded as a subversive "government agent"--as implied by their usage of the term "implantee" when refering to me (as in: "A man has been implanted as an agent--thus, "implantee"!--in a targetted organization to spy on its personnel?")?
What did I mean by claiming that I'd been put under such close surveillance by the PAP Government? Well, the answer is simple: The People's Action Party -- through its lackeys and toadies working in the Singapore Government -- have been "implanting" its authoritarian and autocratic ideology, beliefs and attitudes -- subtly, cleverly, incrementally, stealthily, and diligently -- since those early days in 1972, into the BRAIN of a helpless, poor, and unfortunate citizen (namely: yours truly, David Chua Chuan Seah) whose own rights, personal beliefs and attitudes had been patiently, dutifully, cunningly and cruelly put under "observation", "examination" and "judgment" by the surveillance authorities in the wards of the Medical Centre at SAFTI, after he had returned from a few days out as an AWOL offender in 1972.
Who (in Singapore or elsewhere) can help me resolve my conflict -- both personal and public -- with these fucking PAP lackeys and toadies -- mostly nameless and faceless "voices", whose identities have been the subject of my investigations and which I've had some inkling of, intermittently, throughout the past 36 years, during which I, by forcing these PAP toadies to "expose" themselves as unprincipled, inept, greedy, power-mad and lazy governmental "controllers" with annoying, irritating, insulting and disrespectful methods and techniques of communications, finally earn my "respect" at last! For they have come to terms, finally, with my insistent determination and persistent efforts to set things right -- yes, to clean up the messiness, dirtiness and sinfulness (like my "schizophrenia", my "subversiveness", my "criminality", my "perversions", and my "immorality") that "I" had created or caused in my life during the past 36 years!
To emphasize, I'm not interested in the PAP Government's viewpoints and interpretations on those certain events in my life during the past 36 years. I want, instead, to establish the historical facts -- the actual events or occurrences in my controlled life, based on my memories (and from documentary "evidences" or official records of such events which have come into my knowledge)!
It matters a lot to my self-respect--that my personal life-history can be understood, examined and accurately, if not comprehensively, recorded with honesty, seriousness and graciousness. I want my leaders NOT to insult my dignity and intelligence any more--from now onwards!
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