During the course of these past long years after my resignation from MSD in 1976, I had to try defending myself in various ways against the PAP Government's attempt to discredit me as an anti-PAP critic and writer. Eventually, I found the most effective self-defence was to feign a convincing "neutralization" of my self-chosen role as a critic and writer with anti-PAP opinions by pretending to suffer from a "schizophrenic breakdown". That was how I could avoid being harassed and intimidated by the watching and watchful PAP Government--by rendering myself as a "schizophrenic" writer that posed no effective challenge or threat to the PAP regime. Thus, I had to make plans for this purpose right after my resignation from MSD in 1976; and I was finally able to execute my plans, starting from the year 1985, to pretend that I was suffering from "schizophrenia"!
I had to become an actor. I had to, in other words, assume the signs and symptoms of this dreaded and stigmatised mental illness. Thus, I was ready to be interviewed, as planned, and "correctly" diagnosed by the government psychiatric consultants--when I was brought to the old Woodbridge Hospital (at Yio Chu Kang) by the unsuspecting police, whom I had to provoke and hoodwink, in order to make them believe that I was crazy or mad!
To protect my role as a critic and writer with long-held anti-PAP views and beliefs, I thus had to feign the signs and symptoms of schizophrenia during various incidents, at home or in public, beginning from 1985 and right through the last 23 years! These incidents, particularly during an extremely "active" year in 1986--when I was living at Jalan Kukoh--were intended to be witnessed by neighbours and members of the public and recorded in official statements and documents by policemen notified to check on my "mental breakdown", so that I can establish my "schizophrenic" status! In 1989, I finally succeeded in having myself brought to the old Woodbridge Hospital by the police, who thought they had a "mental" case on their hands! Obviously, I had to convince the government medical psychiatrists attending to my case that I was suffering from "schizophrenia"--which I did, as I was diagnosed and warded at the hospital for the first time. After my discharge from my first stay at the old Woodbridge Hospital, I managed to get involved in other "criminal" incidents deliberately--so that my "schizophrenia" could be corroborated by police officers who were interrogating me or investigating my case.
And what, for your information, dear Singaporeans, are these signs and symptoms (which I had to study and remember from reading medical books on psychiatry and from other relevant sources of information--such as brochures issued by Singapore Association for Mental Health) which managed to lend credibility to my "schizophrenic" guise?
They fall into the following areas [as listed and described in two brochures, "A Family Guide To Understanding Schizophrenia" (SAMH, Singapore) and "Plain Talk" (SAMH, Singapore)]:
- Appearance: Often persons suffering from schizophrenia may not take care of themselves properly. Their appearance may be unkempt or untidy. Their personal hygiene may suffer.
- Behaviour: Persons with schizophrenia are rarely violent. They are often distracted and appear to be in their own world. They may not pay much attention to what is occurring around them and may talk or gesture to themselves. Withdrawal is another common sign, when they retreat into their own world, losing the ability to concentrate or communicate with others. They become apathetic and listless, even to the point of hardly moving at all.
- Thinking: Persons with schizophrenia have difficulty keeping their thoughts in order. They may become disturbed in such a way that they are unable to focus on a main point of a statement or an argument. They may suffer a mental block, or crowding of their thoughts. They will often jump from topic to topic. They may even experience hallucinations. They may imagine things which do not seem possible: such as seeing and smelling things that aren't there, or hearing voices speaking to them, discussing their thoughts or behaviour, urging them to a certain action, or having peculiar ideas that seem strange or unrealistic. Quite often they suffer from delusions, forming false beliefs despite obvious proof to the contrary. They may become very irritable and suspicious, believing others are plotting against them, following and staring at them, or reading their thoughts.
- Speech: Persons with schizophrenia may be difficult to understand. Their speech may be disconnected, or even incoherent. They may talk very rapidly or slowly. Their speech then become vague or inconsequential. They may say things which do not make sense.
- Emotions: Persons with schizophrenia often do not feel the same way as others. At times they may be very sad or happy for no apparent reason. They may scold others without cause. They can appear frightened or withdrawn. Their emotions may become dull and flattened, out of step with what's going on--for instance, they may start laughing in the middle of a funeral.
My greatest challenge, while being warded on three major occasions (the first time, in May 1989, at the old Woodbridge Hospital and the second and third time, in 1994 and April 1998 respectively, at the new hospital--located at Buangkok Green), was having to deal with the need to be seen taking the prescribed oral medicine for my "schizophrenia". (The infrequent injection of modecate into my body was regarded by me as an unavoidable "occupational risk". It is a sacrifice that I have had made with no ill-effects.) The daily rounds of oral medicine-taking, which included consuming the drug chlorpromazine, was watched by the observant nursing staff. I had to let them watch my "consumption" of the medicinal tablets. Thus, I achieved my purpose of my "schizophrenic" guise--and yet prevented myself from having to suffer from any side-effects of an actual consumption!
(There were occasions, however, when I failed to succeed in pretending to consume the oral medicine--and the dosage prescribed to me was too high! I had to suffer the consequent side-effects of such an "occupational risk"--drowsiness, giddiness and even, on one occasion, fainting!)
After every period of usually short-term hospitalisation, I was discharged with the instruction to follow-up my drug treatment by visiting the outpatient clinic (at first at the old Woodbridge Hospital and later at the Institute of Mental Health) regularly for psychiatric consultation, my supply of oral medication and injection. Over these long years, I maintained my feigned psychiatric profile with such regular visits--so successfully that even my own family members believed I was a "schizophrenic"!
I have reached the point in this stage of my life when I no longer have to keep up or maintain my "schizophrenic" guise or profile. That is why I have stopped my regular visits to the Institute of Mental Health as a "recovered" outpatient. For the past few months, I have established myself, through the Internet blogs and websites, as a recognised political commentator, critic and writer.
I am looking forward to continue my new life as a political critic and writer with long-held anti-PAP (and, especially, anti-LKY) views.
And, dear Singaporeans, that is how and what I have transformed myself into--in the course of my life during these past long years--to protect myself as a political critic and writer with anti-PAP (and, especially, anti-LKY) views--to ensure that I can serve the cause of democracy and to fight for the recognition, respect and observance of human rights, as a Singaporean writer and political critic with long-held anti-PAP (and, especially, anti-LKY) opinions, beliefs and ideas!
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